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“If online dating can blunt the emotional pain of separation, if adults can afford to be increasingly demanding about what they want from a relationship, the effect of online dating seems positive. But what if it’s also the case that the prospect of finding an ever more compatible mate with the click of a mouse means a future of relationship instability, a paradox of choice that keeps us chasing the illusive bunny around the dating track?”
It’s the mother of all search problems: how to find a spouse, a mate, a date. The escalating marriage age and declining marriage rate mean we’re spending a greater portion of our lives unattached, searching for love well into our thirties and forties.
It’s no wonder that a third of America’s 90 million singles are turning to dating Web sites. Once considered the realm of the lonely and desperate, sites like eHarmony, Match, OkCupid, and Plenty of Fish have been embraced by pretty much every demographic. Thanks to the increasingly efficient algorithms that power these sites, dating has been transformed from a daunting transaction based on scarcity to one in which the possibilities are almost endless. Now anyone—young, old, straight, gay, and even married—can search for exactly what they want, connect with more people, and get more information about those people than ever before.
As journalist Dan Slater shows, online dating is changing society in more profound ways than we imagine. He explores how these new technologies, by altering our perception of what’s possible, are reconditioning our feelings about commitment and challenging the traditional paradigm of adult life.
Like the sexual revolution of the 1960s and ’70s, the digital revolution is forcing us to ask new questions about what constitutes “normal”: Why should we settle for someone who falls short of our expectations if there are thousands of other options just a click away? Can commitment thrive in a world of unlimited choice? Can chemistry really be quantified by math geeks? As one of Slater’s subjects wonders, “What’s the etiquette here?”
Blending history, psychology, and interviews with site creators and users, Slater takes readers behind the scenes of a fascinating business. Dating sites capitalize on our quest for love, but how do their creators’ ideas about profits, morality, and the nature of desire shape the virtual worlds they’ve created for us? Should we trust an industry whose revenue model benefits from our avoiding monogamy?
Documenting the untold story of the online-dating industry’s rise from ignominy to ubiquity—beginning with its early days as “computer dating” at Harvard in 1965—Slater offers a lively, entertaining, and thought provoking account of how we have, for better and worse, embraced technology in the most intimate aspect of our lives.
- Sales Rank: #698832 in eBooks
- Published on: 2013-01-24
- Released on: 2013-01-24
- Format: Kindle eBook
Review
"Slater considers all these issues in an intelligent, edgy, thought-provoking way. His book is worth at least a speed date."
"--Washington Post "
"Slater has dug in manfully to explain how technology is transforming how we meet and fall in love."
"--Wall Street Journal"
"Slater's account of the history of the cyber dating industry--from ginormous clunky old computers to modern complex algorithms--is well detailed."
"--Financial Times"
"In this artful examination of our techno-romantic universe, Dan Slater offers an eye-opening look at the ways our very own behaviors and desires have been forever changed." --Jessica Massa and Rebecca Wiegand, cocreators of" ""The Gaggle" and "WTF Is Up With My Love Life?!"
"A fascinating romp through the world of online dating, packed with anecdotes about how people are adapting (or not) to love on the Internet."
--Bethany McLean, coauthor of" ""The Smartest Guys in the Room"
--review
About the Author
DAN SLATER is a widely published author of journal-ism and creative nonfiction. A former legal affairs reporter for The Wall Street Journal, he is currently a contributor to Fast Company and has written for The New York Times, The Washington Post, New York Magazine, and GQ. Slater is a graduate of Colgate University and Brooklyn Law School.
Most helpful customer reviews
16 of 17 people found the following review helpful.
fun but limited
By C. P. Anderson
What a fun topic. I think just about anyone could find this one interesting.
That said, I found that the author, unfortunately, really didn't deliver. Here are some things I felt the book was a little short on:
- Algorithms. There's a great set of correlations about halfway through the book from the blog of one of the guys who started OKCupid, but that was about it. In other words, the behind-the-scenes stuff about how all this works really wasn't there. Instead, what we get is a lot of history and individual stories. Interesting, but just not the same.
- Lots of jumping around. I like when an author threads a bunch of stories together, but - honestly - I had a really hard time keeping track of who's who or even what a particular section was about. And his attempts at transitions from one part to another (when there) seemed rather forced.
- Somewhat surprisingly obscene material. Maybe this was in there solely for titillation, or maybe that's just the way things are these days. I don't know. It really didn't seem necessary however. I'm not a prude, but I thought it was really overplayed.
- Wearing his politics on his sleeve. It's pretty obvious that he's rather liberal when it comes to sexual matters. He doesn't seem to take the more conservative eHarmony very seriously, and he also goes a little nuts on the international sites (he sees them as imperialistic exploitation). I'm pretty liberal myself, but could definitely have used a little more balance.
- Lack of real depth. This is very much a journalistic effort. If you're expecting a Dan-Ariely- or Malcolm-McDowell-like work, you'll be disappointed.
Just to even things out, though, I really did like his cynical musings on the whole process - the questions he raises about the combination of commerce and romance. In particular, I liked his argument about how it's simply not good business to pair your clients off and make them happy. You really want them to keep fishing, to never really be satisfied, to always think there are more options, to keep coming back to the site.
9 of 10 people found the following review helpful.
Finding love in all the wrong places
By Dr. Wilson Trivino
In the world of singles, the traditional model of dating is that to meet a quality person is to participate in activities you like and have an open mind. This will result in meeting like-minded individuals that may be potential mates. Dan Slater attempts in `Love in the Time of Algorithms' to explain how technology fits into this traditional methods of dating.
Webster's defines algorithms as a mathematical rule or procedure for solving a problem. Slater's hypothesis is that technology has replaced the way that courtships occur today. Another traditional sense was that a community, vis-à-vis, through religion, the neighborhood, or friends, single individuals were selected for introduction. The rise of technology while creating more interconnectedness has resulted in less of a traditional way of meeting.
From the first personal ads in newspapers, to the video dating, to online dating, there has been a stigma in using these `services'. Slater blames this stigma on people feeling that they can not meet someone in a traditional sense but the use of technology are seen as inferior.
Slater has examined some of the most popular internet based matching making sites, from eHarmony to Match to Plenty of Fish and examined their inner workings. The algorithms that these companies use are more of a sorting mechanism, but like in real life, there is no real way of knowing if a match will work. The successful results are difficult to replicate.
One factor that bears into these encounters that is not really discussed is that once a person decides to use these services, then they are more open to making the potential encounter work. It seems that technology will not replace the "gut" feeling that occurs when two people meet. Also, the results are really not quantifiable, as there is not central accounting of marriages that result from online dating.
While technology has changed the method of making the first encounter, the `making it work' aspect still depends on the individuals.
This is an insightful read into how internet based dating company models behavior to select a potential. The algorithm of love, though, is still not understood. (by C. David Trivino)
6 of 6 people found the following review helpful.
Love and dating in the time of the internet.
By Ken Kugler
I heard about, Love in the Time of Algorithms, by Dan Slater, on wnyc.org a few weeks ago. I know that the internet dating scene had changed alot and that interested me. It has become a grand meeting place for people and does not have the stigma that it used to have even as recently as 15 years ago.
I know several people who have meet their spouse on the internet and a couple more who are in long(ish) term relations with internet dating sites to thank. That said, I was interested in the technical points and the author had started this book originally as a couple of magazine articles that he was encouraged to expand into this book. The book explores the evolution of dating questions and how it is used to reach people. An interesting sidebar is that the authors found out that his parents had met via a computer match.
That said, it seems that computer/internet dating should evolve into another form of meeting people. It, having lost mostly, the stigma it had in the past seems like it should be just another form of dating but many things come into play. The lack of transparency by the dating services on how many people are actively involved is one thing. They leave people who have registered and left on forever. An example is that one of the owners' of a dating site has been married for ten years and yet his profile leads the uninformed to think that it has been inactive only for three weeks. Also the pay sites do not let you know how many people are just registered and not paying members so that they cannot respond right away. Another issue that has popped up is internet scams, preying on the lonely. The companies have only recently started policing themselves to ferret out fraud and sex offenders. This was after a couple of well publicized cases of rape and cases involving people losing large amounts of money. Also this book pointed out how easy it is for the internet to give information away about you, personally. I found after using some of its tips way too many personal things about myself and now know that I have no influence over these factors.
Just like the real world, internet dating is a place to find people. It works maybe as well as where we are day to day because so many people are not able to meet people in their immediate spheres of day by day life. It CAN be a useful tool along with face to face meetings. It also seems that the internet also causes some to blog or share too much and it can become the show and the audience can become additive to some who need the approval.
All in all, this entire book was a good read that was very well written and enjoyable from the start to the end.
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